“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is Meaningless Cacophony
I’ve come to the conclusion that picking apart a film like Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the equivalent to mocking Sarah Palin or Glen Beck. All of which are so painstakingly embarrassing, uniformly idiotic, and quite frankly, a waste of time to put your energy into. Michael Bay’s latest movie which I desperately hope does not get confused with Pink Floyd’s 1973 masterpiece of an album “Dark Side of the Moon”, is a tedious, unpleasant cinematic experience completed in a perfunctory manner. I loathed this film from beginning to end.
Transformers is made for the lowest common denominator of film-goers. That may upset some but if you are not a child between the ages 6-12, you have no reason to watch a film with so little substance. If a movie is not going to be entertaining, funny, dramatic, or heartfelt, what the hell is the purpose?
From every insulting stereotype to the script which has no morals and the constant scheming of action sequences that have zero coherence, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a despicable creation from the mind of Mr. Bay. The film is a video game that you don’t get to play and only get to watch with no fun, exhilaration or excitement to be had. I knew this would have little redeeming value but at least manage to entertain me. Instead Bay directs yet another mindless blockbuster that insults its viewers intellect.
The plot vaguely chronicles the Autobots as they learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon. Besides the gigantic robots, Shia Labeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, this time around job hunting and sporting a new girlfriend completely out of his league (the beautiful Rosie Huntingon-Whiteley). He is certain he must the latest incarnation of the American hero. It doesn’t take long for Sam and his Autobot pals to get back into the game since the Decepticons attempt to take over Earth once again.
But honestly, who cares? Michael Bay doesn’t and neither does writer Ehren Kruger. If they did, the two profitable filmmakers wouldn’t drag us through such a repetitive and treacherous story. The script’s sole existence comes down to this: How many action sequences can the Autobots and Decepticons divulge in and how will Shia LaBeouf manage to woo yet another jaw-dropping, awe-inducing model? The latter is a bit more entertaining, but just barely.
Problems come in spades, but what I want to know is whether Oscar caliber actors such as John Malkovich, John Turturro, and of all people Frances McDormand lost a part of their soul by starring in this unholy picture? I’m scared to search for the answers.
Back in 2009, I promised myself that I would always be honest to my readers. Some may love the Transformers mantra and no matter what I say, they will undoubtedly subject themselves to this soul-sucking atrocity. They will have found a place in their heart for this franchise. Good for them. I wish I was as lucky because a movie like Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets me upset, furious with Hollywood, and the filmmakers responsible for producing such trash.
There is no doubt in my mind that Dark of the Moon will be the longest 157-minutes of film-watching this year. The bombastic and overbearing action sequences are obnoxious and lurid. Plot development is non-existent and the acting is abysmal. Worst of all, that crazy little thing called enjoyment is also oh-so scarce.
Michael Bay’s soulless directing style adds up to a time-waster that’s preachy, sappy, prolonged and by the end, will have you longing for the much maligned Sucker Punch. Wow, never thought I’d say that.
F
Zero Stars
You can follow me on twitter @DukeSensation
Notes: Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo, 157 minutes.
42 Comments
Ouch! Love it. I loathe Bay, and my expectations going into this will be rock bottom.
I have a felling you’re going to destroy the film.
Still, I hope you find some enjoyment here. I simply could not.
Is there anything in this film that is equal or even worse than the twin bots from Revenge of the Fallen?
Everything is worse, though I only have watched 45 minutes of “Revenge of the Fallen” .. I was too busy watching paint dry instead.
Just saw DOTM on Monday. Shit script, great final battle.
You didn’t finished watching Revenge of the Fallen? It’s much worse than DOTM.
Megan Fox versus Rosie Huntington Whiteley?
Rosie is rock-steady, blonde, and british to boot.
That’s not really a hard question. If only Bay gave Whiteley something to do.
Bravo. Just what I was expecting. Another turd from the extremely dim and untalented Michael Bay. If you put money to see this film then I am sorry. If not, I still feel sorry that you wasted two-and-a-half hours of your time.
BTW, did anyone read Bay’s stupid letter to projectionists? Man, he is a fucking moron. It’s sad that people are actually going to see this.
I said through various sites about this film that if I was given a choice to work at McDonald’s or work for Michael Bay. I responded by saying I’d rather work at a septic tank than be in a Michael Bay film. If I was to watch any of Bay’s films from “Armageddon” to this film, I’d choose death.
I enjoy life.
You say death, I say terminal disease. Tomato tomahto.
I’ll take terminal disease as well instead of seeing another Michael Bay film.
In kind of going with what you say there near the end over at Rotten Tomatoes it’s got, like, 34% from critics and 90% from readers, which tells you all you need to know. So tragic.
I have not paid to see a Bay film in 10 years. And I’m not re-starting now.
Niether would I.
Not that I’m defending Bay or anything (the last Transformers was really bad, as well), but this review was mainly “I loathe this movie; it shouldn’t exist; it’s terrible” over and over. Can you explain some of the things that made it awful? You said the story sucks, but what about it? Etc.
Wow. a rather scathing review and score! I’d have to copy Nick’s question and ask you to explain some of the things that made it awful.
I actually completely disagree with your review as I thought it was very well done, especially considering the previous ones (http://scarletsp1der.wordpress.com/2011/06/28/transformers-3-definitely-more-than-meets-the-eye/) but I can understand not liking Michael Bay movies.
Would you mind elaborating as to your reasons! I like the opposing view, just curious as to the why’s! A fun review to read nonetheless. Ranting always makes for a fun review!
For Nick and The Scarlet Spider:
I’m sorry if my review read more like a rant. I must say that this film perhaps deserves a special write-up.
Never have I watched a film in a theater that I despised more – thus I came home and wrote furiously to you and the rest of my readers.
If it wasn’t made clear the simplistic reason for despising the film is the both the story and the amount of action sequences that just happen because Bay likes playing with his toys. The plot, which is barely strung together gives us nothing and no one to care about.
Going on, which I rather would not, Shia L makes for a whimsical of a protagonist. He just keeps screaming and yelling – he has talent, but the script makes him appear as worthless as Robert Pattinson.
The Oscar nominees (and winner) look ashamed to be in the film. Besides the acting, the editing performed the film is so hyper-kinetic, and cut in a way that you don’t even get to appreciate the large scale in which these scenes were done.
And the last reason, which I really tried to hammer home in my review, is that I didn’t have fun. I understand these films are not suppose to provide substance or gravitas. But it should entertain, and I was, quite frankly board stiff.
If you’re looking for me to break down scene by scene why it is so pitiful and unbearable to watch – I would surely love to do so …. as long as some one purchases the DVD for me
All joking aside, Nick this may speak to you, my review simply read like that because I do believe this picture shouldn’t exist.
I believe all films deserve a fair chance and I gave this film one. But never has a film repulsed me more than “Dark of the Moon”. But, again like I said in my review, if you can find something to embrace here – good for you. I wish I was as lucky. I’m not one of those critics who enjoys attending bad films. Hell, I’d love to go watch “Beginners” or “Midnight in Paris” again.
If any more clarification is needed I’d be happy to chat about the film – you can email me @ dukeandmovies@yahoo.com
Oh and to end I didn’t mention this in my review – but forced to see the film in 3D it looks not only ugly, but Bay had next to zero scenes in which the 3D enhanced the viewing experience.
That could be because of his storytelling which is so tedious (ie: the repetitive action scenes and the amount of characters who supposedly are intelligent but act as if they have an IQ of 17) and soulless (ie: the fact that the film has no heart – things blow up and no responsibility is taken and sheer aspect of the film that could never be subtle and or develop its characters so that we could actually care for them) – but Mr. Bay has created a film I feel is unworthy of people’s time, money, and energy.
Though, I’m very happy you feel otherwise. The world would be boring if we all agreed.
Thanks for the insight! don’t apologize for the ranting, if you will. I rather enjoyed reading it!
I don’t see it. I don’t get how not to have fun during the movie. But you’re right! If we all saw it the same it would be a boring world.
I often hope for opposing comments on my site. I figure that if 2 people can present their opposing opinions, then both can benefit from learning more about the movie, whether or not opinions change!
Thanks for the special comment!
-T
No problem, I appreciate readers who actually take the time to read a review.
My biggest problem with all three films are that they are really poorly structured. There are ton of subplots that collide or simply tell it differently through all three films. Thats way to lazy and I do hope they reboot this one quick (without Bay) I normally hate re-boots but this is one I’d like to see.
Why not bring in Justin Lin he would do a great job on it.
Thanks for more clarification. I haven’t seen it yet, but I was just curious on the WHYs. It’s just kinda awkward to read a review on either end of the spectrum (love or hate) that doesn’t specify WHY. If it’s just like “This is a loathsome movie” or “This is the best movie ever” without telling me why you feel that way, I think it’s a wasted review.
I do find it funny though when people (not just you) say things about summer blockbusters like they’ve never been more repulsed or disgusted. This is the second time I’ve heard this within the last month (about 2 different summer flicks). And coming off a month where I just finished watching films like Visitor Q, Salo, Cannibal Holocaust, and I Spit On Your Grave (among others), I just think it’s funny that something like “Transformers” is what makes others feel utterly disgusted and repulsed like never before. And it makes me curious to hear the reasons why there are such strong feelings against such harmless fare.
I caught the remark in your first paragraph – much appreciated. I just love writing wasted reviews.
Why do I get the feeling you enjoy the “Transformers” flicks? To me, they are not harmless fare, they’re insulting on every level. Bay dumbs down his films as if audiences can’t think for themselves or understand a cohesive story – some viewers I understand may not.
As for the films you mentioned, I stay clear of films that have an awful reputation. The exception is if I’m invited to the press screening or a particular picture, whether it was destroyed by critics or not, peeks my interest.
I’m sorry, but I’d rather rent “The Maltese Falcon” (this film because I just recently rented it last week) than “I Spit on Your Grave” or “Cannibal Holocaust”.
I mean seriously man, I’m not one to judge a book based on its cover …. but “Cannibal Holocaust” … really? You spent money to watch a film called “Cannibal Holocaust”?
Maybe that’s the kind of film you enjoy or may you just like to play the field .. all power to you.
Quite frankly I’d rather dive into more revered, abstract films that may or may not doing something for me – (just random examples) like “Persona” or “Eraserhead” – Simply because they appear fascinating to me.
Like I said above, we all have different views on all things cinematic.
Thanks for commenting Nick.
Actually, no… as I even just said, Transformers 2 was not a good film. The first one was alright for what it was, though. It’s not a favorite or anything, though.
And for the record, the aforementioned films were part of a thematic month of films for a year-long project where I watch classic films of all varieties. For your information, Eraserhead was also in this past month, and The Maltese Falcon comes up later this year.
I don’t judge books by their cover, either, and I’m open to any and every film. Cannibal Holocaust (since you focused in on that one) is one of the most controversial films ever made and is a milestone film in the horror genre. It’s not a good movie whatsoever, granted, but for those interested in experiencing and studying the history of film, Cannibal Holocaust is one that can’t be overlooked.
So please, try not to be condescending. I don’t appreciate it.
Clearly you have a greater grasp of film history than I do Nick. I’ve never heard of “Cannibal Holocaust” – kudos to you for seeing so many of the essentials.
As for said condescending tone, I’m sorry if that’s what you derived from my statement. That truly wasn’t my intention Nick.
It’s pathetic: we’re bickering over “Transformers” for God’s sake.
It’s no problem
. Not that you asked, but just a brief history lesson… Cannibal Holocaust is a 70s horror flick that was the first “found footage” film and, as such, was filmed in a way that made people/authorities believe all the killing and stuff was real. The director was arrested and eventually had to bring out the actors on TV to prove he didn’t make a snuff film. However, the reason it’s still banned in a bunch of countries is because the director did actually killed animals on film, so there’s some animal cruelty things that are attached to the film. On the whole, the film isn’t all that gruesome–it’s actually kind of boring, but it does have some freaky moments near the end.
Anywho, sorry if you felt insulted by the “wasted” comment. All I meant was that I like to know why things suck or why things are awesome rather than just knowing they’re crappy or great. That way, I can know ahead of time if I know I can handle it (for example, I can handle certain aspects of film that are done poorly, but there are some that bug me more).
I didn’t like most of it but the final battle redeemed the flick a bit.
http://blog.flickchart.com/index.php/transformers-dark-of-the-moon-a-flickcharters-movie-review/
Nice review Fitz.
Thanks Sam!
I don’t think your review was a rant, or overdone, at all. If anything, your review was putting it lightly. To do Michael Bay’s film justice, you’d have to rip his heart out, stuff it down his throat, tie him up and force him to watch it like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.
Or y’know, give it a bad review, whatever.
That’s a little rough.
Harsh, but well deserved. It’s impossible to watch this movie with any sort of critical eye and not come away with the conclusion it sucked. Of course, you didn’t mention the special effects at all, which unfortunately are enough to bring the lowest common denominator out to the theatre in droves for this. It’s definitely a “Soul Sucking Atrocity” (LOL, I’m going to try to not plagarize that ever, but I might just have to use it and give you credit
) but it’s a pretty “Soul Sucking Atrocity” and that’s all the people need sometimes. It had 97 million in the bank by Friday already.
Sucks you say that about the 3d though (it was in response to a comment). Not that I give a crap about this movie… but the 3d format is so inconsistent!! It’s like one of the only things I liked about the flick. For me, everything was popping off the screen…
Oh well. Nice crucifixion, I’m going to go poke around your blog for others…
Haha, you may do so. “Sucker Punch” and “Your Highness” would be good places to start.
All I had to hear about that film was minotaur penis and I knew to skip it.
Minotaur penis?
Sounds like something out of a Lars Von Trier film
It’s so stupid.
Sam, no matter what anyone says, you never need to apologize for your reviews. Ever. And nobody should be asking for apologies, either, or for anything beyond defense of your opinion and clarifications/justifications. Frankly, I’m confused that anyone coming at this review from an intellectual standpoint could be unsure as to why you might describe a giant, mindless, tentpole blockbuster picture in terms of it repulsing or disgusting you.
I’m sure there’s a chance that I might hate this quite as much as you did– I haven’t seen it yet, and probably won’t until this weekend at the earliest if my plans to see Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop fall through. I admit that early footage had me a little intrigued simply because I could tell what the hell was happening on-screen, but it sounds like there’s far, far too much idiocy in literally every single level of the film to make up for great explosions.
I’m not necessarily apologizing for my review – just trying to work things out with those who are discontent with the work.
My opinion is my opinion – can’t say “sorry” about that. But I was a bit hasty towards Nick, and that I’m sorry about. That’s all.
Sam I will presume that your review of the film is as entertaining as the film itself. That said the only way I will see this will be if I am babysitting my nephew and he insists – kind of like what happened with the abysmal Transformers 2 (abysmal is almost too ‘good’ a word to use on such a movie).
I’d take a nap rather than watch the film again.
I actually took a nap in “un film du Michael Bay” – Armageddon. I was a counselor in a summer program and had to stay with the students.
I make fun of the guy, but damn don’t he blow stuff up good? I actually want to see this just because I need water cooler ammo and I am a giant robot dork.
Well, I wanted to shut off my brain completely and watch some delicious on-screen mayhem. Bay provided me with exactly that, so you can call me a happy customer. Still, Transformers 2 and 3 are worse than Transformers 1, which even to this day stands as one of my favorite summer blockbusters and possibly the most fun I had in cinema ever.
Trackbacks