I’ve come to the conclusion that picking apart a film like Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the equivalent to mocking Sarah Palin or Glen Beck. All of which are so painstakingly embarrassing, uniformly idiotic, and quite frankly, a waste of time to put your energy into. Michael Bay’s latest movie which I desperately hope does not get confused with Pink Floyd’s 1973 masterpiece of an album “Dark Side of the Moon”, is a tedious, unpleasant cinematic experience completed in a perfunctory manner. I loathed this film from beginning to end.
Transformers is made for the lowest common denominator of film-goers. That may upset some but if you are not a child between the ages 6-12, you have no reason to watch a film with so little substance. If a movie is not going to be entertaining, funny, dramatic, or heartfelt, what the hell is the purpose?
From every insulting stereotype to the script which has no morals and the constant scheming of action sequences that have zero coherence, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a despicable creation from the mind of Mr. Bay. The film is a video game that you don’t get to play and only get to watch with no fun, exhilaration or excitement to be had. I knew this would have little redeeming value but at least manage to entertain me. Instead Bay directs yet another mindless blockbuster that insults its viewers intellect.
The plot vaguely chronicles the Autobots as they learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon. Besides the gigantic robots, Shia Labeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, this time around job hunting and sporting a new girlfriend completely out of his league (the beautiful Rosie Huntingon-Whiteley). He is certain he must the latest incarnation of the American hero. It doesn’t take long for Sam and his Autobot pals to get back into the game since the Decepticons attempt to take over Earth once again.
But honestly, who cares? Michael Bay doesn’t and neither does writer Ehren Kruger. If they did, the two profitable filmmakers wouldn’t drag us through such a repetitive and treacherous story. The script’s sole existence comes down to this: How many action sequences can the Autobots and Decepticons divulge in and how will Shia LaBeouf manage to woo yet another jaw-dropping, awe-inducing model? The latter is a bit more entertaining, but just barely.
Problems come in spades, but what I want to know is whether Oscar caliber actors such as John Malkovich, John Turturro, and of all people Frances McDormand lost a part of their soul by starring in this unholy picture? I’m scared to search for the answers.
Back in 2009, I promised myself that I would always be honest to my readers. Some may love the Transformers mantra and no matter what I say, they will undoubtedly subject themselves to this soul-sucking atrocity. They will have found a place in their heart for this franchise. Good for them. I wish I was as lucky because a movie like Transformers: Dark of the Moon gets me upset, furious with Hollywood, and the filmmakers responsible for producing such trash.
There is no doubt in my mind that Dark of the Moon will be the longest 157-minutes of film-watching this year. The bombastic and overbearing action sequences are obnoxious and lurid. Plot development is non-existent and the acting is abysmal. Worst of all, that crazy little thing called enjoyment is also oh-so scarce.
Michael Bay’s soulless directing style adds up to a time-waster that’s preachy, sappy, prolonged and by the end, will have you longing for the much maligned Sucker Punch. Wow, never thought I’d say that.
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Notes: Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo, 157 minutes.