Sam - Note: To anyone infatuated with the Twilight mantra who have ventured to this site, I offer up some worthy advice before proceeding with my review: Don’t. What I say will likely not alter your opinion on the film (but will mostly upset you) and truthfully, on a pure philosophical level, I have no interest in opposing my cinematic values on you.

So… where were we? Oh, yes, Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1 or otherwise known as breaking the barriers of mediocre cinema.

For starters, I’ve not put myself through the first three movies nor will I ever. Still, I got the gist of it: Bella loves Jacob and Edward – but she must choose one. But whom will she choose? When will they have sex? Is abstinence overriding temptation? Is it love or just infatuation? How can a gorgeous human mate with a bloodsucking vampire? And, and… who cares?

It takes about a whole 7 seconds before the film has Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner) run out in the rain with rage, taking off his shirt in the process. We cut to a pseudo intimate scene between Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson), the night before their long awaited marriage.

We proceed; the two get married at a wedding that involves more kissing than the exchanging of vows and you know, emotions. Alas, it continues. The two newly weds embark on their glorious honeymoon where they’re finally planning to have sex. Free at last, free at last – the stupefying couple are free at last for fornication.

But how can that be? Edward is a vampire and Bella a human? He will kill her once insertion begins, right? I know you may think I’m acting juvenile folks, but these are serious questions that are truly asked by the characters in the film.

Still, despite the potential adverse consequences, the two go at it. Passions and desires are fulfilled. However, what comes from the monotonous sex is an unexpected… pregnancy. You would think Edward had taken freshman health and remember to slip on some protection, right? Negative.

What the child implicates bears far more significance than the first glance of Bella’s bloated stomach might suggest. The fetus is a mixture of human and vampire, posing threats to both the wolf pack and the vampire coven. The unnatural child is also a terrifying threat to Bella, who is likely to die during labor. With the two very different groups in fear of the newborn, the treaty that was once implemented between seems to lose its value with each passing day. To sum it up, war is brewing between the opposing groups.

If I’ve heightened the plot a little, I apologize because The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a self-absorbing bore. Director Bill Condon seems to be aware of the film’s lackluster script and takes full advantage of peeking and speaking to the sexual desires of those hormonal female teens craving disingenuous sex and shirtless male models. If that’s filmmaking, then all hope is lost.

While there may be some remote sincerity between the characters, the love triangle revolving around Jacob, Bella, and Edward, is not remotely interesting. The two male “actors” are so inexplicably talentless that making any effort to care for their losses is pointless.

I realize I’m sliding down a slippery slope when criticizing a film like Breaking Dawn. It has such a dedicated and forceful following that anything I say will likely be instantaneously negated by fans wallowing over the six-packs of the male protagonists or those questioning what team I’m on: Jacob or Edward?

My simple response is… neither.

Still, there will be a Part 2 of the Breaking Dawn Saga. I can only hope it improves from its predecessor. Because, as it stands, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is a thankless cinematic experience. It misses a story worth telling, characters worth watching, and most of all, any source of entertainment.

Nothing’s worse than spending two hours in a house with dull people doing things you just don’t care about – even if one of them is as beautiful as Kristen Stewart.

D+

1.5 stars out of 4

You can follow me on twitter @DukeSensation.

Castor: My review will be up on Sunday!