Sports Movies That Don’t Quite Make the Games

The Olympics have just come to an end. I’m a big fan of the games – every four years the nations of the world can set aside (most) of their differences and compete on an elite level, and earn some nice-looking medals in the process. Of course I was rooting for the U.S., but it’s nice when an underdog comes from nowhere to take the gold as well.

But the games got me thinking: what sports have I seen on the big screen that might not quite translate to sports biggest stage. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard to pick some real gems – and more surprisingly, they aren’t all top comedy movies either.

5) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Just the thought of grown men and women throwing rubber balls at each other is, you have to admit it, kind of ludicrous. Still, there are some hardcore people out there who take this sport very seriously. But when I think of dodgeball all I can think of is that it involves a lot of people with a lot of pent-up aggression throwing a semi-hard object at other people just like them. Plus, no one has settled on the standard rules of the game, so it has that going against it too.

4) Searching for Bobby Fisher

There has been a push to make Chess an actual Olympic sport, but at least for 2016, it’s not going to happen. And I totally agree – not because Chess doesn’t take a lot of talent – strategy, staying one (or ten) steps ahead of your opponent and you just have to have a mind like a steel trap. No, the reason I don’t think Chess will be accepted anytime soon is, because, let’s face it: it’s boring as hell. Can you imagine the announcers for Chess? “Oooh, he’s brought out the Sicilian Defense, let’s see how he counters.” The only way they could spice things up is to make it speed Chess with like 30 seconds between moves. That I would watch. Otherwise, you make as well announce Olympic Chess, Sponsored by Ambien.

3) The Wizard

I have to pull this one out of the archives, because there just aren’t a lot of movies about competitive video gaming. But hey, I can play a mean plastic guitar and plenty of other people make Call of Duty and Madden games their lives – and gaming is incredibly popular world-wide, so what are the Olympics waiting for? Exceptional hand-eye coordination aside, video gaming just doesn’t scream “athletics” plus, I’m sure the mandatory drug testing would decimate the sport, not to mention no one wants hardcore nerds hanging around the Olympic village.

2) Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating

You know what’s hard to find? A movie about competitive eating. You know what’s even harder? Finding somewhere outside the United States where this is popular. Watching competitive eating is like watching a train wreck, you don’t really want to see it, but you can’t look away. It always leaves me feeling a bit sick in the end. Plus, how are you going to decide what to eat? The standard hot dogs? Wings? Pie? Other? Just like baseball and softball before it, this “sport” would just be dominated by America or perhaps Japan (Takeru Kobayashi is a monster… literally, what human could eat that much so fast?). Lack of competition, and so much money allocated towards cleanup and always the threat of vomiting – nah, I’ll pass.

1) BASEketball

The brainchild of David Zucker and starring South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone – this is literally a sport Zucker created with his friends one day and consists of basketball using baseball rules. Having this being accepted would be the equivalent of making up your own sport and submitting it (how about Synchronized Tetherball – I don’t know how you would play or the rules, but you heard it here first!). Who knows, maybe the President of the IOC is a really, really, REALLY big Zucker fan. Even then, fake sports don’t tend to make the final cut.

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Chris Kavan is the Community Manager for FilmCrave.com and if watching sports was itself a sport, he would win at least a bronze medal.